Lindsay Lohan on Saturday Night Live

Lindsay Lohan hosted Saturday Night Live this past weekend because Lorne Michaels works overtime to make the show relevant to the pop culture discussion, while Lohan needed a forum in which to show insurance companies that she can be relied upon to show up for her gigs and that she hasn’t sputtered out at the age of 25.

My thoughts were mixed as I saw Lohan step forward to make her monologue. Lindsay is such a subject of scrutiny that the liveness of the show felt like it mattered again. There’s Lindsay, it’s actually her!

But what happened to her face?

According to US Weekly (I know, I know), Lohan has probably used “facial fillers like Restylane or Juvederm” to achieve a fuller look in her cheeks. It’s a lose-lose decision. Lohan loses the high moral ground by acquiescing to Hollywood’s obsession with turning women into plastic. Lohan loses the superficial ground as well, because she’s normally a gorgeous woman…but not when her cheeks have been pumped up like an overeager air mattress.

I agree with the critical consensus that Lohan’s performance was weak. She actually did very little performing, and when she was there, the regular cast had to try and carry her. They even brought in ringers, such as Jimmy Fallon, who visited during the monologue and had to clap a little too energetically to get the crowd to join in. Jon Hamm made two brief appearances, both of which had more pizzazz than Lohan’s accumulation of airtime.

I did enjoy the Real Housewives of Disney, which was well-edited taped piece with a strong premise.

BEAUTY: Who does your hair, birds?

SNOW WHITE: At least I didn’t marry a beast.

BEAUTY: His name is Kelsey Grammer.

The Psychic Awards show was funny, particularly the tribute to the psychics they know will be passing away in the coming year. Fred Armisen had to do all the heavy lifting as “Babette” in a skit which bravely took on the conservative morality films of the 1950s. I enjoyed “This has been a weird guy by a fire”, but the extended skit about a woman haunted by butt-dialing was simply a disaster. And then there was the advertisement for Chantix, which went back to the old well of “Gosh, advertisements for prescription medications sure do list a lot of warnings!”

It’s stunning that a show with Fred Armisen and Kristen Wiig can’t produce better material. The weakness of the show may be due to its writing, or lack thereof. I mean, what was up with that unfunny opener? With all the craziness of the Republican primaries, and with The Daily Show and The Colbert Report knocking it out of the park four times a week, Saturday Night Live can’t come up with a comical four minute opener? Not to mention that Jason Sudekis simply doesn’t have the vacant creep factor of the actual Mitt Romney.

Regardless of the regular cast, Lohan did not rise to the occasion. In the Scared Straight sketch, besides obviously reading from cue cards…

…she seemed like she was on satellite delay. It doesn’t help that the constant anal-rape-in-prison jokes were also poorly written…and what’s up with a society that accepts and often celebrates our prisons as places of sexual violence? Way to be cutting edge, SNL.

Oh well. If her SNL hosting was intended to demonstrate that Lindsay Lohan can show up on time and sober to a job, then she may have cleared that bar. Still, I was sad that she didn’t glow, even in the pre-taped pieces. My hopes for her are higher. I want the old, luminescent Lohan back!

See Also:
5 things wrong with Saturday’s Saturday Night Live, or: Lindsay Lohan’s SNL Comeback? Not so much.
SNL: The Real Housewives of Disney
SNL: So Not Lohan’s Comeback
Lindsay Lohan’s SNL Return = Meh
Surprise! Lindsay Lohan On Saturday Night Live…Ratings Jump 12 Percent!
Top Ten Gigs After Leaving SNL